Does ADHD make mom guilt worse?

Being a parent is hard enough, but when you have ADHD, it can be even more challenging. As a parent with ADHD, you may often feel like you’re failing or not doing enough - two very common experiences of people with ADHD in all areas of life such as work and romantic partnerships. In addition, your mom organizational skills may look inferior compared to your mom friends’ or you may feel like you live on a different planet compared to the “put together” mom instagram influencers you follow. Add this all up, and you will experience what’s commonly known as “mom guilt,” which is the feeling of shame or self-doubt that many parents experience when they feel like they’re not meeting their own or society’s expectations (ugh, I don’t have a proper dinner for the kids AGAIN!). If you find yourself constantly shaming yourself for not doing the parenting gig “just right” and feel as though you are always more of a “mess” than what is expected of you - you are probably experiencing the uncomfortable clash of your ADHD symptoms and mom-guilting. Let’s dive in to see how you can start soothing this narrative:

Understand that ADHD is a real condition

The first step in letting go of mom guilt is to understand that your ADHD is a real condition. It’s not a choice or a character flaw. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects the brain’s ability to regulate attention, emotions, and behavior. It’s a condition that you were born with, and it’s not your fault. Once you accept that ADHD is a real condition, you can begin to understand how ADHD impacts your behaviours.

Embrace your strengths

People with ADHD are often creative, spontaneous, and full of energy. They are also often great problem solvers and can think outside of the box. It’s important to embrace these strengths and recognize that they can be a great asset in parenting. For example, you may be great at coming up with fun and creative activities for your kids, or you may be able to turn a challenging situation into a fun adventure. At the end of the day, all kids really need is a fun, supportive parent to be with them. By focusing on your strengths, you can feel more confident in your parenting abilities and let go of some of the guilt.

Let go of perfectionism

As a parent with ADHD, you may feel like you need to be perfect. You may feel like you have to be the perfect parent, have the perfect house, and have everything under control. But the reality is that no one is perfect, and trying to be perfect will only lead to more stress and guilt. Instead, focus on doing your best and let go of the rest. For example, if your house isn’t always perfectly clean, that’s okay (Repeat it with me: THAT’S OKAY!) Focus on creating a happy and healthy home environment for your family, and pay less attention to the little things.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in difficult or challenging situations. It’s easy to beat yourself up when you feel like you’re not doing enough as a parent, but self-compassion can help you let go of that guilt. Instead of criticizing yourself, try to talk to yourself as you would a friend. As someone living with ADHD, you may have been overly criticized for been told that something is “wrong with you” while growing up. Be mindful not to repeat this narrative in your head. Be kind, supportive, and understanding. Remember that parenting is hard, and you’re doing the best you can.

Take care of yourself

Taking care of yourself is essential when you have ADHD. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and getting regular exercise. You may also want to consider meditation, yoga, or other relaxation techniques to help you manage stress - all of these things are shown to be helpful with managing your symptoms! When you take care of yourself, you’ll be better equipped to handle the challenges of parenting with ADHD.

Be present

One of the challenges of ADHD is staying focused and present in the moment. But being present with your children is essential for building strong relationships and creating positive memories. When you’re spending time with your kids, try to be fully present in the moment - remove distractions (such as your phone) and carve out time specifically for the 1:1 play or daily chats. Daily mindfulness practice has shown to be helpful in increasing your ability to be present in the moment, and all it takes is 5 minutes daily (and, thanks to some helpful mindfulness apps, you can start today).

ADHD and mom guilt are two concerns that can be addressed in therapy. With a trained, licensed therapist, you can work towards better symptom management and your unique parenting struggles. Contact Brookhaven Psychotherapy today!

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