Supporting a Loved one Through Domestic Violence
Sara Kohtala, M.A., R.P., currently has an article in press for publication in the Journal of Family Violence. Her article is entitled: Barriers to Safety Planning for Female Victims of Domestic Violence in Canadian Rural, Remote, and Northern Communities. Her article outlines the obstacles faced by survivors of domestic violence specific to isolated communities, in addition to the ways in which individuals can best support survivors. If you believe that someone you love may be in a violent relationship, here are a few ways you can best support them:
1. Meet Survivors Where They’re At
People often wonder why individuals in violent relationships, “don’t just leave.” Exiting an abusive relationship is actually a very difficult and often dangerous process. Many survivors may attempt to escape the violence many times before they are able to permanently separate from their abuser. It takes time to save some money, gather the appropriate documentation, and come up with an escape plan. Urging a survivor to leave the relationship before they’re ready is not considered a helpful response. The survivor may only be thinking about leaving, may be preparing to leave, or ready to leave the relationship. It is important for those supporting someone in a violent relationship to meet them where they are at in the process. Sara’s research found that those who are separating from their abuser may experience conflicting feelings of being relieved that they are no longer in danger, while also missing their previous partner. To someone outside of the relationship this may appear confusing, but it is beneficial for survivors that their friends and family members honor their multiple truths.
2. Believe and Validate Survivors’ Experiences
Many survivors of domestic violence experience being blamed for their experiences, or their disclosures of abuse are not believed. Unsurprisingly, such reactions lead to depression, anxiety, internalized shame, and difficulty separating from the abuser. Survivors of domestic violence require compassion and understanding for what they’re going through. Loved ones need to believe what the survivor is telling them, and validate their feelings of fear, confusion, and isolation. This support allows survivors to escape abuse more easily.
3. Provide Non-judgmental Support
Support for survivors of domestic violence needs to be offered in a non-judgmental way. Providing a listening ear when a survivor talks about their experiences without telling them what they “should do” is the best way to be supportive. Support should not be contingent on the survivor leaving their partner. Although it may be disheartening should an individual return to their abusive partner, withholding assistance does not help them leave, instead it further isolates them.
4. Provide Appropriate Resources
Having a working knowledge of resources available for domestic violence survivors is an effective way of helping them remain free from abuse. Access to contact information for domestic violence shelters, victim advocates, therapists, and doctors to provide to the survivor is an important resource for their recovery. Providing the resources without pressuring them to use them is the best way to make a survivor feel supported.
Below are some resources for survivors of domestic violence in the Halton region.
905-332-7892
Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention Services of Halton
24hr Crisis line: 905-875-1555
Nina’s Place: The Regional Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Treatment Centre for
Halton
Tel. (905) 632-3737 ext. 5708
If you or someone you love is struggling in a violent relationship, the therapists at Brookhaven Psychotherapy are available to help you navigate this difficult time. All services are kept in the highest confidentiality. Learn more about our therapists here.
